Lesson #59: Moving Forward Hurts

It's not all that surprising that I haven't written anything in these past few months.  Honestly, I never was quite good at keeping up with this blog anyway.  In light of this year's events, however, I had wanted to change that.  I suppose I was hoping to track our days, remind myself of good things, maybe help someone else who finds herself in this position.  I sat in front of this screen on many occasions, ready to write something.  Anything.  When it came down to it, the words never came.  The hurt runs deep, and I couldn't figure out how to express that to you properly.  You see, the pain is the same.  Who wants to read that over and over again?  I even had to stop writing for myself because I had run out of ways to say that I'm not okay.

Days have gotten better, don't get me wrong.  Lyndon continues to love me, and we continue to mend our relationship.  I can confidently say that there are now days when I don't think about it at all.  It used to consume my every thought, my every second.  At least I've moved on from that.

There are other days though.  Days when my self esteem is low and one reminder keeps me from looking in any mirrors.  Days when my inability to trust him gets the better of me.  Days when merely seeing something sparks a memory that sends me stumbling down the same dark path I've walked many times.

I intended for this blog to be a fun way to let you all in on our first few years of marriage.  I had wanted to start sharing silly things like recipes and my DIY disasters.  I'd even considered the possibility of sharing our lives when children came onto the scene.  Having a blog like that, even though there are millions that are exactly the same, was something that excited me.

But everything has changed.  I've experienced hurt like I never have before.  I was so looking forward to healing and moving on from all of this.  I never knew healing would hurt this much.